i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
