The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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