God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
