After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
