i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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