when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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