it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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