I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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