my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
