The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
