I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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