why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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