My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
