I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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