i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
