I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
