make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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