I think my vagina is haunted
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She's the barista slut.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
