really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
