Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
