I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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