the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
