Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
