So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
