I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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