I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
