thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
