Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
