he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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