Ketchup is God's man juice
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
