Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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