I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
