we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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