I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
