: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
