Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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