I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
