No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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