just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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