its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
