I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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