I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
