Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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