god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
