Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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