Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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