also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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