I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
