no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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