How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
