In America we eat man semen.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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