you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
