All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
